Many years ago, I decided I was an 'expert' on children. I'd been working for a while in child care, and I'd had some kids I got attached to, I"d learned all about the laws pertaining to how you raise children, and I had gone extensively into child development and age appropriate behaviors, actions, techniques, and methods that were accepted in the world of being a parent.
I wanted desperately to have children, but I never thought my dream would come true...
Until one day two little lines changed everything.
After a long induced labor for 'low fluid' my daughter came in a flurry amidst scrambling nurses and an out of breath OB-Gyn. The experience was humiliating as I was laughed at by that same OB-Gyn when I went for my 6 week appointment. She recommended I 'never get pregnant again' because I was such a 'problem patient'.
For me, life had just started getting hard. I'd hemorrhaged at nearly 2 weeks postpartum, was having trouble with breastfeeding, and was bringing my daughter back and forth to the local children's hospital for appointments weekly after her NICU discharge, subsequent diagnosis of her heart defect, and surgery. My life was upside down, and the doctor that I had trusted through my whole pregnancy had just told me that I had done everything wrong from the very beginning..... in labor.
It didn't really hit me for a long time how much that really affected me, but I was very aware of the spiral down into postpartum depression. I tried to get help, but the disease worked against me; causing me to be too fatigued to get up and go to my appointments, or too forgetful to take my medication. I lost a lot of things during that time, including my relationship with the father of my children and many of the habits that I had enjoyed before like yoga, poetry, reading, and writing.
It was finding out that I was pregnant with my second child that snapped me back to reality from my depressed state. Knowing I had another life on board, I cleaned up my diet, took my vitamins, went to my counselor, and worked on fixing my relationships. I decided that I wanted to be a doula, and started studying with Childbirth International for my certification. I was doing well, and feeling good, and those good feelings didn't go away after my second daughter was born.
2/25/2010.... My Irish Beauty
My second birth experience really healed my unhappiness from my first birth experience. My doctor was kind, and he respected my choices in how I delivered my daughter. He didn't bat an eye at my request for delayed cord clamping or immediate and extended skin to skin and breastfeeding. He told me when he introduced himself "it's your baby, it's your birth. I"m just here to make sure it's safe" I do believe I told him I loved him that day!
After nearly 2 years of bliss.. I decided that I wanted to be pregnant again. I had no desire to have a baby of my own.. so I became a surrogate. My third 'daughter' changed my life in ways that I never expected.
Little Miss S as I call her in public. This child was my undoing.. and also she was my salvation. She was the one who took me down to the depths of despair and sat there with me while I pondered my very reason for being. She is the reason that I know what path I would take if someone was to tell me my own child would be born with a serious health condition. SHE is responsible for making me into the person of integrity and positivity that I am today. She keeps me inspired that I can achieve my goals.
I won't say it has been easy, coming back from where I found myself when I was pregnant with her. I spent a lot of time questioning my self-worth and my ability. I beat myself up for not doing more than I did for this child. I devalued my contribution, and let others take the power that I should have been giving myself for having the inner strength to come back after all that transpired and to make what has been proven to me to have been absolutely the right choice for that amazing little girl.
Slowly but surely I have been crawling back from the pits of the PTSD that came about after I came home from my 'trip'. I have done so much self-work in the areas of patience, self-worth, and energetic healing. I am on my own journey back to optimal health. I miss the resilience I had when I ate well and had happy children. I miss the community of yoga class with friends. I miss having other people around who want the best for their children, just as I do for mine.
And so, it is with this in mind that I have decided to awaken my long-standing dreams and open Akina Naturale LLC. We are, for now, a summer camp for creative kids ages 3-12. We are finalizing our location in Vernon, CT over the next week, and will be filing our licensing agreement for camp as soon as the location is finalized!
Akina
Naturale is a service based organization working to enrich the family
connection in the community of Eastern Connecticut. Our mission is to expand
the opportunities for families to bond and grow together to allow for greater
growth individually and as a family unit. We focus on several different aspects
of family development, including prenatal and postnatal services, family
classes for fun and wellness, educational opportunities for adults and
children, alternative wellness solutions and creative expression for all.
We have great plans and hope to meet everyone within a 20 mile radius of Vernon, CT very very soon!
There will be tons more to come soon, but for now, I'll suffice to say.. Nice to meet you!
